Last night I felt quite tearful and lonely.
I’m not entirely sure why.
I guess it’s a lot of things, none of them being particularly bad on its own, but all amounting to my feeling overwhelmed, lonely, and feeling a bit sorry for myself, all in all.
I’ve been feeling slightly sad ever since leaving Barcelona. For the most part I’ve been enjoying myself so much, and it’s all been up and down. But some sadness seemed to linger througout. ANd I think what it is is that I’m currently travelling around, without having anywhere to return to. I have both of parent’s houses (Hi Mam! Hi Dad!), and my home is always with them, but I have no base, no one place where I have a life set up, so I guess it all makes me feel lonely. Barcelona is no longer my home, even though I have so many friends there. But my heart isn’t there, and nor is my best friend who just moved back to Ireland (Hi Hermanita!)
So, realising that that is why I feel sad, and that it’s okay and normal to feel sad, made me feel better.
Another thing which made me sad was music. But, in a good way.
During this month of travel (it was exactly a month that I was travelling around, living out of one bag), I felt so many ups and downs, so many emotions, to the point where I felt that I was in a lot of pain many times, and in those moments, I could turn to music. I also experienced a lot of music whilst travelling, and I came to know that I can’t be around music for too long, whilst not taking part in it. In the past I’ve been capable of putting off doing shows, putting off performing in front of people, putting off practice, all of that being driven by fear, I suppose. But I can’t do it anymore, it affects me too much, too detrimentally. And that’s a good thing. And yet I’ve still not broken the habit of putting things off. While I was in Montreal, I could have planned ahead just a little better and arranged a show, even at an open mic night. But I didn’t, ‘cos I was feeling maudlin. But now it’s been about 2 or 3 weeks since I last performed, and it has affected me. It turns out that I don’t just play music to play music, I play music to express myself. And it’s hard. I get so nervous on stage. But it also takes me to another level, a place where everything is just GOOD, no matter what else is going on in my life. Performing just takes me to a place of realising that all is GOOD.
Anyway, all of this is good. Pain is good, when you take the time to figure out where it’s coming from.
So now I’m going to commit to looking for gigs wherever I go, and playing and practicing music, and just keeping it always at the forefront of things, as the one thing in my life that really makes me feel like me.
I’m happy again today.